Reflection Point:
Assumptions & Failures
It’s so easy to fill space with assumptions. It often shows up thinking I’m aligned with someone at work, only to realize that we aren’t on the same page. I personally belabor the old jokey saying, “don’t assume, it makes an ass of “u” and me.” My brother Matt is the one who introduced the saying to me many years ago when we were working together in the isletas of Granada, Nicaragua. I thought that I was preaching it and acting it during my working hours. But what I was really doing was making sure people of differing areas and talents knew what I was thinking. I came to see how the most dangerous assuming happens when you are on a much closer page to the other person. I learned this the hard way when I almost boycotted my brother, only to be called out for being the one in the wrong.
One afternoon a few years ago, Matt and I had made plans to meet for a hike and a beer in Muir Beach, CA. Unfortunately, the plan did not work out that day. No hike, no beer. Turns out, we had gotten as close as 1/4 mile away from each other, but failed to connect.
I find failures easy to distinguish at work- there are financial risks, many people involved and concrete moving parts. I’ve built in feedback loops to work better and more efficiently. It turns out that these same principles lead to better personal relationships.
That sunny afternoon, I arrived at the parking lot a few minutes early and took my chocolate lab, Lali, right to the water so that she could get some ya-yas out while we waited. As I walked towards the water’s edge, I noticed that my “I’m here” text to Matt did not go through, so determined to instead check back on the parking lot for his car. As the minutes ticked by, I got more and more bummed… Matt’s car hadn’t shown up yet. I knew that he was coming with a friend, so I called and left both of them messages. No text, no reply. After about 45 minutes, I decided to make the most of it and just play with the dog on the beach, in the water. We walked up the hillside for the beginning of the hike, and my phone finally got some signal. I called Matt again, and he picked up! He and his friend were unable to find me and were back in a signaled area, now driving back to San Francisco. I laid into him about how I was upset, angry that he’d broken our plans. I felt left out and that he had flaked on me because he was with his friend. Matt said he understood.
But, then, something unexpected happened. Matt called me back, and expressed his frustration with me. He acknowledged that I had been the one to break our plans, and laid all sorts of blame and assumptions on him. He recounted what had actually happened. We had texted earlier in the week to meet at the restaurant down the road, next to the beach. That’s where he went with his friend… and they were waiting for me that entire time!
This daytime fun failure was directly caused by my assumptions.
I assumed we would all have cell signal. Neither of us had ever been to the exact location before. No one sent a pin of an exact location, or what to do if the other was late or lost.
More importantly, I assumed that if there was a problem it would be Matt’s fault. He’d let me down in the past, and I was clinging to previous emotional issues rather than looking at the actual facts of the day. I never looked through our texts, because I’d assumed that I was correct.
I am so glad that Matt called me out. First, it highlighted my defensive flaw of jumping to fear based conclusions. It helped give me a concrete example of how I can instead take the next logical step and reevaluate initial assumptions. Because he stepped up to share his frustrations with me, I was able to see that my expectations of him can and should change. I also saw that if my expectations with him can change, it can with other people in my life as well. I was able to apologize to him, and we keep improving our communication and expectation settings.
I am happy to report that we have gone on a variety meet ups since this, with and without our cell phones!
